Restless Me..

Meimei had been sick for a few days and I woke up at night to tend to her high fever. This upset my schedule as I then could not wake up for my morning walk amd meditation.

After a week, my neck pain returns. I have just recovered for some time and still need a long and careful daily routine to slooooowly heal it. And this makes me restless. I have been sick for more than six months now. In these six months, I try not to push myself in order to give my neck an easy time to heal. I take this very seriously. Because the effect is so painful, when it strikes. I would feel like I am not up for anything. The neck feels weak. And, I feel useless. To be sitting around and not doing much.

Here is my main gripe. Feeling useless.

It may seem to any outsiders that my life is good. No need to worry about going to work and bossess, just caring for two kids who can take basic care of themselves. I mean, what does it take, really?

Yet I struggle with it. And it brings me down sometimes. There are people out there structuring multi milion deals, or doing work that benefit the society and all I can do is tending to my little family of four. And I struggle with it.

Can you understand my sense of frustration? Whenever I feel unwell to clean the house and just sit around, the sense of being useless is heightened. Come on, I wanna be doing things!!!!!!  And not sit around for yet another three months waiting for my body to heal itself. Sometimes I hate myself for it.

Which is why, I am so into wellbeing these days. Trying to scour the ancient books for wisdom on how to stay healthy and be useful. Being healthy is SO IMPORTANT. Without health, everything else is a big fat ZERO.

And from the ancient wisdom of 黄帝内经, I have learnt so much. It also has words for my condition now. It says do whatever that is within your own limits. Then you will be healthy.

The problem with our times is, with internet, you get to see so many things. And after feasting your eyes on so many things, you are motivated to do as much as what you have seen.I have simce learnt that in this time of human history, one has to learn to filter out all the noise and CHOOSE to focus on one thing in her life. That is why I have crossed out cooking.

But that said, I still have my days. The days when I feel weak and useless and ache to see how much other people are accomplishing, while I sit on my sofa watching tv.

There is SO MUCH potential inside me. That is what I have always believed, or taught to believe. I have always felt that I am made for great things. After marriage, I learnt from my husband that we should just do what we can, and be contented with that. And the ancient books say that same.

But all these cannot smoulder the sense of 'I am here to do something great' in me. It is instinctive.

I try alot too, to convince myself I am happy being this little me.  I do enjoy it, actually.

But if that is my destiny, why oh why do I keep feeling that sense of restlessness? That I should be somewhere, doing something else. It's like somewhere else is calling and I should be there.