What Do I Fear ?

I fear myself.

As I get better and better in my health very slowly each day,(it's a 2 steps forward, one step back process), my passion for the shop is slowly dying.

All these months I sit looking at cute fabric goods, promising myself I will make a storm when this illness is over. I will redo and stock up my shop, do more marketing. And now as it is over, due to the "healing" lifestyle I have been leading, I have gotten lazy, and lack motivation.

It's a passing phase, I hope. But it scares me to not feel the passion or motivation to move things now that I am better.

I have been on auto pilot these months. There was a time I struggled through the day and all I wished for was a healthy body to care for my family. Just doing the bare minimum to get myself through it. Then I got better. Some days I was well, many were not. Painful neck, and a somewhat heavy head.

These days, bare minimum isn't so difficult anymore. But having suppressed my interests for these many months, they are kinda muted now. I can't seem to find the fire to do the things I promised myself I would when I am better.

Then again, maybe some things have changed permanently.

If I go back to my hectic days for trying to actualise all my dreams like last year, will I sink back to ill health again? In moments of passion, it's easy to fully focus and forget about health. Whenever that happens, the body is left  to hold things up on its own while I pursue my crazy hobbies.

I am not at the fully well level, where I could possibly slog for a few days without caring for my health. Not yet. But when I go back there, I dun want to ever forget how this was like anymore. Remembering I am pushing 40 and no more young.

Maybe I will not fear.

I will meditate and pray for an answer. No, not expecting something great. But looking for a kind of balance that will both occupy me well, and allow me to take good care of my family.

It's funny. Sometimes I think , how little I achieve, when all I can do is to work at home and care only for my family. Sometimes though, I think what a great feat it is for me, looking after 3 other persons. Pretty impressive.